"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me." Psalm 131:1-2
I'm about marry, and it simultaneously excites and scares me.
I found myself keeping things in my own chest. As some of you may know (or follow the account), I tend to find my way through arranged words and sentences. Yet this particular phase of life keeps me busy. Doubt, excitement, love, care, ignorance, and all that mixtures of ever-evolving feelings of stepping into a new phase of life is just getting real (or surreal) and words just couldn't contain any of it.
I think a lot about all things. If you saw me a few times you would know my wrinkled forehead is always telling. The pursuit of my life has always been of precision and excellency. But coming into this new phase, which is marriage, I rethink about my life's foundation. I will always remember the 'thump' in my chest when I saw this guy that I respect a lot, speaking flowery words about his wife and how his family shaped him as a person. I remember thinking back then, "I want to be like that man."
The epiphany never came close to reality till now. I fear that I will fail as a husband, moreover as a father. I never think that I'm equipped or have the capacity to be one. Francis Chan strikes my situation in one of his most famous quotes: “Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.”
Reading financial wisdom books, parenting, relationship, family life, home appliances review, and other things to get through the days. It's like.. I'm becoming someone I never knew before.
There's this gloomy corner in my heart whenever I talk about family, so pardon the tone. I tried to put into words what I've been through, how the past few months changed my approach to life, and how I try my best to prepare for my upcoming role as a husband.
Accept things as they are—with no agenda
I realized I have a tendency to fix, to find errors, to spot crooked lines. It's dragging me down. Not all the problems in the world is for me to carry. The ideal world is not here and now. Life is what happens when you are looking the other way. I just don't want to look for the extraordinary but miss His providence in the ordinary.
Praying is hard
It takes a lot of mental energy to pray for something, continuously, for years. I failed to take this endeavor as a process, but rather praying for results. The result never showed up, till today. To my shameful admission, I stop praying for certain things. I don't know how people keep their faith to "see" the end they wished for, but for now, I console myself that not all prayers are answered. Not trying to sound unfaithful or bitter, but I think it is up to Him to answer or not, or how and when to answer.
Don't expect too much from ourselves
I realized the development of precious things in life never happens in the same place or same time frame. To slow things down and accept the limitations that I have, as I don't always know what's best for me. Close to my heart is Alistair Begg's devotion a few months ago: “In the Christian life, contentment is often gained through an experience of confusion and discomfort, as we learn to say, “My Father is in charge here and is working for my good as His child. I do not need to understand, for I can trust Him. I have Him, and He is enough for me. My soul is calm, even in this storm.”
This humble reflection is dedicated to my soon-to-be wife, Claudia Stephani Dris.