2020 Annual Review: Maturation

2020 Annual Review: Maturation

First, don't judge me. I know it's already 25% past 2021, but I just finished working through Dr. Anthony Gustin's Annual Review framework that I saw through Nat Eliason's post. I believe there's no too late in improving your life, so I might as well start working on it. Surprisingly, through this practice, I discovered my seemingly abandoned wish and was able to rekindle my motivation to get started.

This will be a long post, so I segmented it through the heading—skip ahead if the content bores you. If you find anything fantastic or resonated with your life, let me know on Twitter!

For me personally, 2020 was the year when I realized the world is far from what ought to be, but most of them are beyond my grasp and I shift my intention to make the world a better place to a much smaller world, which is my own family (and my future family).

Looking back to 2020, there major milestones in my life that shaped who I am today (no, I am not exaggerating). The first obvious one is the letter of acceptance from Columbia University's Master of Public Health Program, majoring in Environmental Health. This was the culmination of my six-years harmony of planning, execution, and sacrifice. Despite being graduated from a relatively unknown university with no single public health network from my university, I pulled it off. It's tempting to say 'I made it', but I promised myself to attribute that letter to several people: Professor Adik Wibowo, a mentor-mentee relationship that I cherished the most. Even to date, I still miss her fiery courage and idealism. On one occasion, she entrusted me to lecture one of her classes—on my own without her supervision, and she paid me full—mind you, a professor's rate. Even though nowadays I make a substantial amount of money compared to that one class I taught, I would gladly trade this workplace to learn under her auspices again. Her mentorship style added one core principle of leadership in my dictionary: validation. Acknowledge not only the skills of your apprentices but their potential to develop them, even in the unforeseeable future.

The second person that I owe concerning my public health endeavor is Renzo Guinto. Oops, I mean, Dr. Renzo Guinto, MD, MPH. He was the one who saw my attraction to global health puzzles, especially complex problem-solving. I met him in 2014, but he continued to encourage me throughout the years, despite having only occasional messages through Facebook, and especially during my preparation to apply and study in the US. In case you are reading this, Renzo, I owe you that much. I'll see you at the Global Center for Planetary Health in Malaysia. :)

Well, let's head up to the other side of Ivan's world: medicine. Yes, a major decision to turn around and plunged back into medicine. B-but, why is this included in this section, van? Because my (initial) reason was to respect my parent's wish, and I took that decision as an accomplishment. I successfully denied my ego and put my heart's longing to practice. I repeatedly said I want to reach out to them in terms of my role as a child, to show my love, to make them know that I love them. For that sole reason, I bent my will. I hang on to my heart's longing instead of breaking things apart. I guess that's why idealism gets reshaped, reconditioned, and redefined. For me personally, 2020 was the year when I realized the world is far from what ought to be, but most of them are beyond my grasp and I shift my intention to make the world a better place to a much smaller world, which is my own family (and my future family).

Reflecting, the kind of activities that I look back fondly on was participating in research, academics, and teaching. The constant learning, honing and sharpening of the mind, and the thrill of scientific aim for humanity are simply my space. I guess this is also why I always enjoyed my time as an intern (except the part where I'm poor!). In medicine, I enjoyed surgery and pediatrics. Among the amusement of various surgical fields, I'm drawn to the meticulous detail and steps in neurosurgery, particularly relating to Cerebrospinal Fluid (CSF).

In 2021, I want to be in touch with Prof Adik and continue learning from her. Moreover, I expect to participate in clinical research and writing a paper, possibly looking for a spot as a part-time research assistant. Speaking about writing—blogging was my 'escape' to construct my thoughts and share some golden nuggets from my life experience. In 2021, I want to aim farther; I want to be consistent. Writing will be incorporated into my morning routine. My digital garden to showcase my intellectual endeavor through a wiki-style interface, this blog to post book notes, personal development articles, essays, and other interesting things I found worthy to write about.

Unrelated to my career, I looked back further to my schedule in 2019 and realized I spent a lot of time in public transportation. That's the exact place we avoided in 2020 due to the pandemic. As I tried to find my logical reasoning, turns out I enjoyed a time to learn where I got to chill without feeling I wasted my time. I read books, listened to hundreds of podcast episodes, gave birth to numerous writing during my commute time. When the situation is safe enough to travel, I want to travel to a city not far from the city where I work. A place to chill on the weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I did not always have my eyes on science all the time. I also enjoyed the science of shoe-making, denim, and other long-lasting kinds of stuff (wait, that's also science-related, don't they..) Next, this reflection came out as a surprise, even for me: I am a morning person. Something about the morning energizes me. My morning routine was also refined accordingly.

I did not realize how powerful a question is until I tried to seriously answer this: where do you see yourself in 10 years? I don't think I answered the question right, but I thought about Richard Dawkins. He portrayed science as the poetry of reality. I portray life as THE poetry of reality, made by God, for us to read and listen to. It's getting metaphysical borderline nonsense, but I sensed that my life is nothing but a passionate yet chill poetry reading. I'm here to listen to what He said in The Bible and what He has to say as I go through life. The thing that draws me always involves a puzzle, a pattern-recognition, deconstructing-reconstruction, unlearning-relearning, entanglement-dismantlement. I'm always drawn to what I don't understand and seek to understand it. This insight led me to be pulled by fields that I will never comprehend fully; it became my quest. Here's how my life went:

Public Health intrigued me on multiple levels. During my second year of medical study, I was laser-focused on tobacco control. Third-year; maternal and child health. Fourth-year; climate change. Fifth-year; leadership in health. During my internship year; family medicine. My first year of work, rural health, then it led me to environmental health, especially climate change. The quest continued to narrow down to subfields, such as urban health, which led me to read about air pollution, substance abuse, and public policy. One virus wreaked havoc on my journey and I moved on. Through all those years, my guiding principles are still the same, and that glittery goldfield that shines for me is neurosurgery. Now, as I write this review, I have taken advice from "How Will You Measure Your Life?", specifically the discovery-driven planning seriously and concluded that my purpose does not align with what the field demands. The experience of having a framework to reflect was the top thing I regret not learning soon enough. I probably saved two to three years of toiling. Nevertheless, I'm grateful that I did not spend another two to three years of futile attempt to land a neurosurgical residency. For more on discovery-driven planning, I highly recommend you to read the book.

The people who care about their title the most are usually the least competent people to bear the responsibility.

I despised feudalism. A lot. Hierarchical organization is just not my thing. People are playing the status game. The people who care about their title the most are usually the least competent people to bear the responsibility. I truly dread this type of work environment. Sadly, in medicine, we are infested with this for centuries. There is no escape. I assume that feudalism kept things in control as no individual could shake the system up and down.

How can I do less of this? In the long run, I aim to work as a part-time doctor. It is not possible yet in 2021, but I'm heading there.

The second thing that drained me is living in Jakarta. The city is just not for me. The hustle, the speed, the constant bombardment of 'what's new?' is just not me. As much as I love being the witness of technological advances, I did not consider it in a long-term game. I believe internet has become the largest city and I assume living in a suburban city will be better for my mental health.

The third thing I despised, related to feudalism and living in a big city, is corporate climbers. The thing that I hate the most about them is that I understand their position. I despise their supreme priority to please their direct boss and annihilate the advancement of the work itself. It's a pointless war; they want to be secured and risk nothing, while I want the work to advance. They see automation as a threat because it would put their position as 'supervisor' in a perilous situation. I'm sorry, but it only proves they have nothing to offer for the company.

2020 taught me to be selfless. I took a major U-turn, back to the field I loathed. Yet, through the book I read (in 2021), namely Also Human by Caroline Elton, I discovered that I was neither 'unsuitable' for medicine nor 100% for public health. I am not suitable for acute medicine—for I value routine, predictable work hours, and ample time for my endeavors outside medicine. It is almost never either-or; we can always work for an and.

First and foremost, time for my own family came to mind. I want to be remembered as a good husband and a good father, who was always there for my family. Choosing a career that would demand almost 24 hours and a mind that crazes over the scientific breakthrough do not fit the narrative I want to build, nor it suits the poetry that I think God intended to read for me.

Several resources heavily shook my understanding, humble me, and get me closer to God. These are the most impactful ones:

I listened to a lot of Alistair Begg's sermon, but there are two of them that stands out for me. The first one is a clip of Knowing vs Feeling in Worship that poignantly diagnosed my lack of 'spirituality' in church. The second one is a full sermon titled "Trusting God in the Dark". Here's an excerpt to my favorite part of the sermon: The world looks on, you know, the people who do not believe in the Bible, the people who do not believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God. If we are able to show them the triumph that is ours to enjoy, then they will be impressed with that. They may or may not be, but I will tell what will impress them:

When the experience of our own deep-seated despondency that does not seem to be mitigated by time, that does not seem to be altering as we progress, that we are able, still in that position, to discover that God is teaching us now, to trust Him, not with the lights on, but with the lights off. Now think about your children or grandchildren. You put them up to bed. What did they say to you? Will you leave the lights on? You probably said Yeah. A few days later; will you leave the lights on? No. Oh, will you leave the light on in the bathroom? Okay. In the next few days; will you leave the light on in the bathroom? No. Will you close the door? Will you leave the door a little bit open? If you are childish 27 years old and this is still going on, we got a major problem going on here. If some of us are much further along the line and we are still having this crazy conversation with God. In the middle of it all, He's been saying to us: "I've been teaching you, to sleep with the lights off, not with the lights on." Anybody can sleep with the lights on. It's when it's dark.. when darkness veils your lovely face, I rest on Your unchanging grace. Not on the lights, but on the Father of Lights.

Alistair Begg

Looking back, I thought I could have been a better person, friend, son, partner to just talk more. My tendency is always to reserve myself and left them guessing. I don't mean anything serious or deep talk, but to just lightly talk and describe my day. They deserve to know how I went through my day. I still don't know why, but people lighted up when you tell them about your day, especially your loved ones. In 2021, I want to talk more, even though I don't know what it means to me or them, at least I know how it will make them feel.

God had been so patient with me throughout 2020. I thought my life was a (sorry) messy story, swayed by failures following my indecisiveness and submission to my parent's wish. But then He let me know that He has been stomping me with His hammer of humility. I needed to learn, there is no other way, and He understood just that. In my relationship, career, His purpose in my life, this is what I need to learn. No amount of talent, skills, or knowledge can bring you to the top of life. All doors will be closed because of Pride. And I discovered that a self-pity is a form of Pride. I have this background or this deficit that I deserve an excuse. No, I am not. No, you are not. Get up, work hard, learn from other people. Help, serve, then you can lead. But when I pitied myself over and over again, I'm gonna stuck in this pit, angry, and pridefully shout for help. No one will come. God knows, and God helps me to see this fact and let me learn.

On another note, I'm grateful for my boldness to finally ended my father's prohibition to work. I did not get his consent at first. Being an Asian, doing something that contradicted your father's wish is one of the top devious things you can do to tarnish your father's authority over his family. I decided to go against it—this one time. I think I have reached the age to have a say for myself, and he respected me for it. I'm grateful for the opportunity to push-and-pull between my freedom as a man and my identity as his son.

To be honest, I did not set any goals for 2020 except landing an admission for my master's degree. Going in 2021, I don't have any specific thing going on in my mind related to my career, but I look forward to advancing my relationship and prepare for marriage. As for the conceptual framework, I'm concocting a singular goal. Specific to aim, but vague in detail. On the other hand, I want to avoid two things in 2021: First, I realized I did not make myself clear to my family, so I don't want to repeat this mistake. I felt they did not support me when in fact, I distanced myself under the notion of "they won't understand". Second, avoid my habit of half-baking a project and left them when it does not bear fruit in a short term. I need to look out for instant gratification. As a binding part of this endeavor, I commit to focusing on building in public, emphasize my objectives on the controllable measure; focus on a single project until it bears fruit. I probably will be happy if I can make money online through my writing. In 2021, I hope I can make a sum of my gross monthly Take Home Pay (THP) as a medical doctor through online writing.

Among the scrutiny of laying down all my activities, what I need to stop doing, and what I want to start doing, a few things stand out: I want to learn piano, painting, parenting, marriage preparation, and investing. That does not sound like a doctor! Well, yes they do. I am a human, after all. I don't want my identity to be tied with my competence or title as a doctor. It's a toxic environment, I'm looking forward to balancing my life with non-medical things.

It was interesting that this self-reflection tool ties the daily routine with the question of purpose. I noticed that my purpose—assembled when I reflected on the "How Will You Measure Your Life" book—aligned with what I answered here. My purpose is to become an honest, selfless, sacrificial, loving, kind, caring husband, father, brother, and friend; a scientist who is dedicated to helping improve the lives of my patients and fellow physicians to lead a balanced and meaningful life; a man who is keen to read and listen to God's poetry in my whole life.

To look it in day-to-day practical life, my commitment is to reserve one hour every day to meditate on His words; 30 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes in the night.

Physical Health. Considering all the ongoing habits and routines that I have right now, my first priority is physical health. I want to do another 10K run. For the last two years I joked about I want to have six-packs by the end of the year (wishful thinking), but this year I want to focus on longevity. Simple: I want to be healthy to work as a doctor. I've been delaying my visit to a neurologist or orthopedic surgeon about my left wrist pain and left knee problem. I could not do push-up without any stabbing pain, I could not do variations of squats due to my trembling left knee. This year, I want to focus on healing that. Another part that I'm working on is my flexibility, especially Yoga poses. One thing you should know about me is I hate not mastering things. Either I'm the best at it or nothing at all. I want to be able to spread my legs and not feel pain in my hamstrings.

Creativity. I want to make things with no outcome attached: painting or piano! I have yet to decide which one do I want to channel my creativity to. The way I see it, I'm trying to remedy myself from my want to use my hands (by becoming a surgeon) into art; I want my hands to work on something delicate, detail, and beautiful.

Travel. The question in this subchapter unleashed my inner outdoor beast. I listed several places I want to travel to, and surprisingly, all those places are in Indonesia. Consequently, I was rethinking my plan to study abroad in the UK—am I going to enjoy the weather there? Gloomy, rainy UK compared to tropical Indonesia? Hmm. My quest in this section is to travel to enrich my life instead of escape from it by building my online business so that I can live there, work online from that place; work part-time clinician/teacher/researcher; make a mindful physician/patient workshop — to learn how to cope with stresses.

Work. For my work, I want purposeful work as opposed to huge income. Yes, balance in all things, but to me, my energy is sapped up by working for money. It does not fit my narrative or morality. In terms of the scientific field, I'm into neuroscience in general. But I would like to touch well-being instead of going full disease-mode.

As a recap, here are my goals:

In 2021, I want to break several habits: sarcasm, acerbic tongue, and silent treatment. Some setbacks I have in life are undoubted because of my tongue. I rarely speak, but when I do, I break some hearts (oof). This is a snowballed problem that I need to stop.

For the positive habits that I want to keep refining: morning or afternoon walk, morning writing session, night Bible-reading time, weekly post, deal with graphic designer and marketing/community manager team.

2020 taught us all invaluable lessons. This self-reflection framework sharpens and solidifies what I have learned, and I hope you will take a look at it too. As for Opus Nuclei itself, this is the singular project that I'm going to focus on. Someday, somehow, Opus Nuclei will be a community of doctors intended to help each other lead a balanced and meaningful life.

Hopefully this year I will be able to at least conceptualize the idea. But, if you as a reader of this blog, got the urge to initiate our community, please message me on Twitter or Instagram. Even if you don't, and you learned something useful from this blog, I would be grateful if you share it with your circles.

Cheers for a dope twenty-twenty one!